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At this point, I feel like the only thing keeping my from reaching over to my glock and blowing my brains out is the knowledge of how much grief it'd cause my parents. That and a fear of the unknown. Can't rule out the possibility of eternal hellfire for such a decision.
I just can't put into words how tired I am with everything. This emptiness I constantly feel that can't and won't ever be satisfied. All around me, no matter where I go during my day to day life, I'll see happy couples and families, living life in the moment so effortlessly. It's all I want, yet it feels so unobtainable.
I'm 30 now, and the white hairs are coming in. Whatever youth I have left to cling to seems to be slipping away. It's not even that life is so terrible. I was raised in a loving family, got a well paying job with money in the back. Tall and not exactly bad looking. Yet the crushing loneliness still gets to me. Only fell in love once, nearly half a decade ago, and it barely even lasted a few months. It was a fleeting moment of happiness in an otherwise bleak existence. A moment I want to recapture, but keep failing to do so. By now we could have have a kid almost on their way to preschool. But now, nothing. What's the point? All I'd like is a cute girl I jive with, and have a kid or two with. But it feels so unobtainable. Where would I even start to meet someone nowadays?
I can't even sit down at a bar alone anymore. Any bars that are open require, or at least implicitly ask for parties of at least two at assigned tables. Whatever copes I had left, like going to the movies, chilling out at coffee shops or bars, or going to social events, are pretty much gone for single guys like me. Ironically, for those in relationships or with groups of friends, it's like life for them can continue unhindered, since most of these places will still cater to such people.
