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you're very courageous for sharing such vulnerability here. just cry, bottling up your emotions will only make them more powerful, and when you give them that much power, they begin to control your thoughts. crying means release from all that pent up pain and trauma you've buried deep down. it won't be an instant fix to everything that bothers you, but i know that you will at least feel better afterwards, and at that point, it's really important for you to treat yourself tenderly and practice self care, if there isn't anyone else you trust enough to share your emotions with. you're gonna get through this. you have inherent value and worth. you deserve to be loved unconditionally, not for what you can do for others, but for you yourself.