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Christianity

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I wish I could accept Christ as my savior but i cant agree with Christianity in general. A religion of "Shut up and obey, if you dont you will end up in hell"
It preaches peace in a world without peace. I hate how the modern Christians are, especially Americans. Here there are so many weird and different sects of churches and some of them look straight Satanic.
It preaches love but not how to be strong in a difficult world. All it says is "in times of hardship just be a believer". It makes you to just believe in the dude on the cross and give up.
In my self i lack strength and power. I know that if i become the head of my family, I would be weak and disappoint everybody. Im just a gaymer who copes with the reality by staying inside the 4 walls of my house. Jesus says believe in him and youre good. I like the Stoic part of it that where theres nothing you can do, where things are beyond your control dont worry and just believe in Christ. But in this world we have things in control. I hate that Christianity and nuLiberalism are the same thing. If Christians were pro gay, Liberals would love it. Its the same bullshit. If you question the status quo you get cancelled/ you're a heretic.
The pagans had some knowledge and i hate to admit it but the Greeks and the Romans were very right about the nature of man. I hate that im not masculine enough, that im too weak to pick something hard and meaningful and make something out of it. Only the neoNazi cunts talk about masculinity and actually look like proper men but they are all idiots in my view.

Anybody feels the same? They want to accept Christianity but they feel it is not right?