>>14436849For me it is far worse, because she had admitted this to me, and I to her, our mutual feelings that once existed, but were unknown. That is to say, she really liked me, but I kept pushing her away because muh emotional autism, so she gave up. It never fully went away though, and so we tentatively spent more time together, getting to know each other, becoming more intimate, until it was time for her to leave, to move to a different state for internship purposes. We stayed in contact, and we grew closer still, but...
during all this time, all my affections to her and her to me, it was all borne out of sin, because she was still "officially" in a relationship, one which she admitted to me on 3 different accounts that it was not a pleasant one, because he was a dick and treated her like crap basically, which is why she liked being around me. I had thought that I had presence enough that she would be wise to cut off ties with this guy, but I lately discovered that she never did. It was too much for me. I said no more.
I thought it was something possible, something I could make work if I just said and did the right things in the right ways, but it was never to be. I realize my foolishness now, but it still fucking hurts so badly. I'm in torment every single day, because all things considered, we practically were like soul mates; from how we were raised, to the things we enjoyed, to how we did things. All of it.
And I feel like this is punishment from God to me, for reveling in something sinful, something that shouldn't have been in the first place. I was literally in the midst of adultery, and this anguish now is my wages.
