Drunk post. I am being very open with this post, I have lurked 4chin for almost a decade and only made a handful of threads ever, I have many amazing friends from all walks of life and differing backgrounds, all of whom have differing opinions on heated topics such as abortion and religion, I see myself as centrist with some chuddy opinions such as death penalty, total free speech and racial co-existence without diversity. I am involved in a right wing party in my country which I won't disclose and have recently begun attending church and finally reading the bible in full (NIV 1984 Translation) yet beneath all of this, there is a dark cynical nihilism that undermines everything I do and all of my proclivities, I lack the hope and fervor of my political comrades to make a better world, admittedly I have always had a skeptical and self-isolatory personality and I loathe the wisdom and teachings I read because I simply cannot see them applied to the morbid reality I live in, is this simply weakness and cowardice? am I mentally ill? or is there something more grave I don't understand yet? I am open to any and all harsh criticism of my situation because I feel I need it.