i can't rouse myself from this deep sense of apathy which penetrates into my aching bones. i am drifting mindlessly through the cruel gauntlet of life, though i am barely living, merely sustaining myself as i actively decay. i wish for nothing more, but to be finally judged by Him, and allowed to accept my eternal fate, no matter the consequence. anything to ease this restless mind in mindless striving, a mediocre parody of a true existence in faith.
i keep wondering why i am here, what i am good for. it is all so maddeningly absurd, not for the sake of being absurd, but for the sake of being vain and absurdly unnecessary. i no longer wish to be perceived by imperfectly limited senses and misunderstood, hell is other people. my only refuge is in music, an experience so intimate, even when shared with others, the entire meaning is misunderstood and completely lost on them. an entire universe that nobody is able to access, but me because it is my experience alone that drives it's creation.
