>>8247478I HURT all the time for everything. I'm the most painful person to be around or even worse be involved with. My life is a constant revolving door of problems out of thin air where I'm the only ADULT trying to keep everything together long enough to make a dignified exit.
I hurt because of who I am, what I've done and all the people I've lost along the way. I want to fucking kill myself after killing a bunch of other people just to spare them the slow march to the grave but I know I can't because I LOVE too much. I love the people who are closest to me like that faggot Kureizy, my wife and my mom (fuck dad and my downie brother). I love them so much that once I love someone I'll always love them to do everything I can to aid them, nurture them, care for them and provide for them. When I can't I FUCKING HURT and do stupid shit. Even when I'm trying to be good I'm stupid. I'm a reckless shite that's a fact but I do it with good intention.
I don't want riches or respect I just want to be able to take care of the people I care most about and them to acknowledge my work and tough it out when I'm shitty.
Even with these simple things I constantly struggle with wanting to go to MENA and just be a PMC or a Dara gun cloner just to say fuck this shit life and go LIVE but I CAN'T I JUST CAN'T. I'd hurt too many people if I left.
So all I do is obsess over guns, explosives and fake money to try and cope with life just a little more. An anon asked me if I live in my PTSD and I think he's right. I'm still there operating I just adapted it to be here operating.
I don't know what in the hell is truly wrong with me but I try to be the best person I can be without being greedy, selfish, judgmental or disrespectful. Sometimes it's hard and I know I'm fucked up but I'm a NICE PERSON but nobody will let me be nice to them. They'd rather me be shitty.
Can't we just be fucked up and nice people?
Can't we be working on ourselves without having to be alright all the time?
