>>9432685Concern for this world and my fellow man seems to be crippling my ability to act. I've set many plans in motion, but it seems impossible strike all the hot irons I have, and so I end up leaving them in the forge to melt and burn. My only escapes from being concerned are being sad, depressed, suicidal or emotionally numb. I am unable to connect with other humans on any level in real life. I've lost all my friends, one way or another. Drifted apart, some killed themselves in despair, some started to hate me for who I am, some were never my friends, but I just didn't see it. I waste my days listening to music, walking around outside, and sitting inside on my computer, not doing anything productive, and I guess I hate myself for it. Day by day, everything is going towards the shitter, while I tell myself that I'm doing better than before. My Fiancee died about 2.5 years ago, and I guess I've gotten over that, nevertheless I don't think I will ever love anyone else after her. Yet I still dream of a large family with a stay-at-home wife and a nice big homestead. I don't have anyone I can open up to, except feds, bots, and strangers on the internet. While suicide doesn't seem like too bad of an option for me, I haven't killed myself since I guess I have reasons to live. I'm not sure how long I can live in this location though, since it seems to be making all my negative emotions stronger, and there seems to be no escape from them, other than forcing myself to be numb.
I just want to go live in the woods.
