I woke up very angsty today and I didn't know why, but I think this post
>>3827111 summarizes it quite well. It really is that simple, isn't it? There's no deep mystery or incomprehensible existential crisis. I'm just a weirdo who wants the stuff common people have and that's all there is to it.
I wish I had the motivation and strength to pull myself together and obtain those things (or at least try), but it's just so hard.
Why keep struggling with Japanese when I have no friends to share my passion with?
Why improve my physical state when there's no girlfriend who'll appreciate it?
Why go out of my way to get good grades when no one is going to recognize my efforts because my classmates don't even know who I am?
I know I'm thinking this wrong. That I shouldn't do things to get validation form other people, and that I shouldn't feel "entitled" to love. But it's easier said than done. I can't just shut down my need for emotional and physical intimacy. I'm extremely clingy and needy, but I'm also a socially anxious autist who can't trust anyone. It's like a bad joke. Therapy didn't work and even trying to open up was painful. I still have dreams every day about old friends and bullies I haven't seen in years because I have been a stagnant piece of shit and nothing in my life has changed since forever. I can't relate to anyone. I can't talk to anyone. I just want to make the entire world disappear and then die.
