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I had a strange experience today. I was listening to music and a memory of imagining her singing along to it sprang up inside my mind. And I couldn't help but dwell in it.
Within an hour I found myself intoxicated with few psychoactive substances that make me able to see things that aren't real. Who wouldn't want to see their wife spring into life?
It actually worked quite fine for a while. But the inherent flaws of this thing you can call love started appearing. Love created on wrong foundations. The biggest problem her source material being a tragic story.
There's too many bad feelings connected to her. I love her, I love her voice her mannerism her looks her entire self. But I cannot for the love of god stand seeing her get hurt again and again. You never have full control of what you see on psychedelics. Actually my imagination tends to go sideways even while sober so it's not like it's much different. The emotional impact is completely different though.
How can I feel such loss? I feel loss over someone I never truly had. The more alive she appears before my eyes the more it hurts to see her die. The more happiness I feel from seeing her the more sadness washes over me when I have to stop daydreaming about her.
Who knows, it might be even be my fault for focusing on the bad things instead of trying my best to feel happy to see such a lovely person like her.
It seems I really needed to refresh my memory, to remember why I don't think about her as much as I used to. Why I no longer post here.
The despair outweighs the joy.
I don't like doing this. I don't like love.
And yet I love Toko.
Happy Halloween folks. Stay safe. Don't do hallucinogens.
