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This post may end up being a bit long, I'm kind of just... dumping out my thoughts. Don't know where else to. Sorry if it takes up a lot of space.
I just can't sleep and I have to be awake in 4 hours for school. Not looking forward to it and I need a place to get this out.
Every day has started to feel like the same shit over and over again recently. I mean, it has in the past, but especially so now. I'm sure all of you are no strangers to this feeling, so I won't really spend too much time on that, but it's become so unbearable recently.
I don't know if they'll read this (or know that it's me saying this) but I'm really sorry to those friends of mine that I promised I would stay clean from self-harm to. It just became unbearable and I couldn't stop even though I tried. I had been clean for 115 days, so longer than my last record, but relapsed when it was late at night and I couldn't stand my thoughts any longer. I really just want to escape this endless cycle of telling myself I'll stop and then going back to it a couple months later. It feels like I just keep letting myself and others down. If anyone here is considering self-harm, don't do it. It's not worth it.
I don't even know what I really want. I want love, I want hate, I want euphoria, I want despair, I want success, I want failure. I want it all because I just want to feel a little less like I'm nothing, anyway. I'm so tired of feeling useless, even someone yelling at me for everything I've failed at would feel better because then it would feel more like I matter in someone's mind.
That's probably a bit selfish since I guess I know there are some people who care for me, again, sorry if you read this. Though I'm sure you'll know what I mean, too.
This post has probably been a bit disjointed and I should really try to sleep, so I'll end this here.
I love all of you anons on this thread. You guys keep me sane and are the only reason I ever visit 4chan anymore. Thank you.
