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I want to be a hollow man who shows up for an easy 9 - 5 office job 5 days a week, not minding the people I work with but declining any invitation they give me to go out with them while living in a comfortable, cozy house/apartment where it's always dark and gloomy with overcast, enveloped in rain and snow during their respective seasons, with full bookshelves and slightly dusty but otherwise good furniture. I want to be alone and just write every evening, occasionally forcing myself to get haircuts and go shopping for food/new clothing. When I finally die, I don't want to be found until a week or 2 later, either when a neighbor finally notices that my far and few activities have ceased entirely for a while now, or when someone comes to my home to reacquire the router because of an unpaid bill.
I want to have evenings where I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't just go out for a walk amidst a blizzard, only leaving behind a note that says I've gone out and may be some time. I want some women to occasionally try and get to know me, only to find that I am nothing, no-one, and have nothing interesting to offer them. I want people to think they want me as a friend, only to learn that I'm not so affable or friendly, and that I'm a man of few words because I have nothing remarkable to offer them and am unworthy of being anything more than a minuscule part of their life's journey. Occasionally, I want someone to look me in the eyes, see me for the empty thing I am, and reflect some of that sadness in their own eyes, so that they can appreciate their own life that much more.
When I'm gone I want someone to look through my things, read what I have written, and weep. Weep for me, if that I may be a soul before oblivion, I'll know I've made a lasting impression upon 1 other. That will be enough to have been worthwhile.
