>>3534120I just wanted to respond to the poem prompt I was unable to before.
>>3531837Hi Sheikfriend. As a wannabe poem enjoyer, I hope you don't mind me reading over your poem, even if you asked another waifufriend to.
A few criticisms.
1. Watch your syllable count. Make sure it fits into the rhythm of your rhyming as well. You set up your first three lines as long, short, short, but your next three are long, very long, short. Your last two lines fit with your first three lines. Try finding a more concise way to express your fifth line. Actually, conciseness is good in general since it improves the flow of the overall poem.
2. A lot of your phrases are very clinical. Try using more metaphors/similies or other poetic devices. Try to express your feelings rather than the effect they have on your surface thoughts.
For example, 'My heart beats rapidly whenever I think of you' could be replaced with 'My heart pounds, races, etc.'
A reworked poem for you would be
My heart races at the thought of you
For I want to hold you close (Archaic language adds panache)
But your presence isn't true (Existence is clunky)
My heart races at the sight of you (I like to vary lines a little to spice things up, but this is at the cost of the poem's lyrical nature)
Your absence makes me feel blue
Sheik, you are what I want the most (doesn't rhyme but I got nothing either)
My heart aches when I dream of you
Damn, I want to hold you close (Okay my ending was more tragic but that's just a personal touch. misery levels are yours to control).
Anyways, yeah, that's my analysis of your poem. Overall, it could do with a less clinical and literal tone to express emotions more succinctly. You pick your feelings apart in the god-tier rants. Actually, please do, I look forwards to that shit.
But don't equate perceived shortcoming in your technique with shitty poetry. Poetry is about expressing feelings that you uniquely feel. And bear in mind I can only write in my own style.
