>>3795738>>3795713Having said that...
>How do you want to spend them?Figuring out how you want to spend them is in itself a good way to spend them. One step at a time.
>>3795405You've lost many good years of your life to these bastards - don't lose more of them. Give yourself the hope that you deserve. Start by finding a good therapist for yourself (most should do virtual meetings now due to the pandemic) and discussing all this with them, because you're right - you do need someone trustworthy to open up to, if only to figure out where you want to go and who you want to be.
Your pain is completely understandable, but while this isn't the Madoverse, there is still something important that you can apply to your own situation here: Homura's grim determination. Through being aware of just what it is that she stands to lose (Madoka), she kept herself going for 9 whole years despite unimaginable pain, and while the current end result is... far from ideal, it's still a much better position than any that she was in before, even if she herself is so unaware of it that she thinks she's Satan herself.
To Homura, Madoka was her life. And your life is always worth fighting for, even if those around you make you feel like you only stand to lose everything from doing so. Success won't come immediately - in Homura's case, it took 9 whole years. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't fight for it, because every step you take, every day you dedicate to brightening your life, brings you one day closer to your goal. And you'd rather be 3286 days away from it than 3287, right?
Your okay middle class job ought to be your ally. Save up as much as you can, form connections at your workplace and make good use of them in the event that you decide that the best course of action is, like my friend, to run as far away as possible. Using what little you've got to make your new starting point as easy enough to handle as possible is the key to making these difficult gambles work.
