>>3582932It's exactly because I gave life a chance that I came to this conclusion. About 2 years ago I decided that I was going to cast off all this, be better than my demons. And for the most part that was a success. I went from being a NEET that lives with their parents to having a stable job, a fair bit of money, a nice apartment, and who can camp pretty regularly.
But it didn't help me feel better. Nothing did. The more I do this, the more I realize that nothing in life makes me want to live. I don't want to die particularly of course, but life has no great meaning to me. I struggle. And then struggle more. and struggle even more. Sometimes I go camping which I do love. But then I have to come back.
I wanted to do everything I could to avoid suicide, as I personally witnessed my best friend off herself and god did that fuck me up. It's been ten years and I still am not the same or right in the head. I'm doing a horrible thing, a terrible horrible thing. But I can't take it anymore. I don't have the strength. Every day just gets harder, every month it all just seems more futile. I'm going to spend 2020 camping and writing and then I'm going to finally know peace.
Every time I think about it my eyes get hot and teary. I didn't want it to be this way. I didn't want my life to end up here. I did everything I could, tried as hard as I could to rise above it all. But even now I still don't want to live. Even now all I can think about is dying.
