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I don't want to kill myself, I just kinda wish I didn't exist. Living is just too much effort for too little payoff.
Long story short, I'm a turboautist, I've spent my entire life keeping to myself, never had real friends, and I was perfectly happy that way. I ended up meeting a girl a few years ago (somehow), we got together and I got a taste of what it's like to have someone I actually want to spend time with and share things with. We broke up on good terms after a few months, but I haven't been able to go back to how I used to be. Being by myself feels like shit, having no one to talk about whatever I'm into at the moment feels like shit, having no one to show that people, I dumb cat video feels like shit.
It's not that I didn't get over the breakup, I don't miss her and we're both better off apart. It's not a "tfw no gf" either, I'm not looking for a relationship, it would be a disaster. It's just that I am entirely alone, no friends, no family, like I've always been, the only difference is that I can feel loneliness now. I don't know how to go back to how I was, and I don't know how to connect with people. I still don't like being around people, I'm no less autistic than before, but I also hate being apart from them.
And it's not just about loneliness, it's like overnight I suddenly realized that other people exist too. I never cared for strangers' approval, or what people think of me, or how the way I dress or behave affects the image people have of me, but now I do, and I have no fucking clue how to deal with it.
