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I just don't have the energy to keep trying to be social in any for whatsoever. There's the fact that I'm an introvert and can't really be around groups for more than an hour or two, let alone be one on one with someone for any extended period at all, but that's not even it. I just keep fucking up and either embarrassing the other person or just annoying them or something else. Ever since I started high school my friends back then never met with me outside of school when they all met up, because they didn't want to be seen with me, and especially didn't want their parents to see me. After dropping me at 15 I had no friends, and 6 years later I still have no-one IRL. No half friends, no acquaintances, just colleagues and family abroad. I thought I might grow out of whatever behavior it was that made people find me weird but I guess it's just who I am. I'm always fluctuating between "talking a conspicuously small amount" or "blurting stuff out without thinking and embarrassing everyone", and there's no inbetween. It happens online too. I thought I was intelligent and had a decent social understanding, even if I wasn't using it, but I think I'm just fucking retarded. The last couple of friends I have online are growing increasingly distant and every year I meet fewer and fewer people. When I was 16 I made new friends constantly and now there's no-one. Increasingly the only things I find pleasure in are things that are done 100% alone and anything that requires other people fills me with dread. I'm becoming more and more reculsive and avoidant and it's only getting worse, and I don't see a way to pull the brakes on this runaway train. When outside I misspeak constantly and stutter constantly, and I can never express what I'm, thinkiung and noone ever understands what I mean.
apologies for formatting/punctuation and maybe grammar, I just vomited that all out and I'm not even going to proofread it
