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Oh man that's sad, that's really rough.
Having dealt with mental illness on a very personal level I can definitely tell anyone who is reading this that, it is always hard to self diagnose. Nobody thinks they need help even as they are planning something drastic. if you're entertaining awful thoughts then that's the time to reach out.
I would also like to point out something that has really helped me is meditation. I never used to understand the concept of inner peace, and was turned off by the hokey mysticism that so many people put to meditation. But I realized that in my own depression that the person who was making me feel the worst was myself. And meditation was just a way to take that inner voice inside my head and tell it to shut up whenever it started to do the self downing. Its really hard to do, its a skill that needs practice, and i'd usually get away from it with escapism/distraction. But now thanks to meditation (and some other stretching/breathing exercises) I can now at will turn off that voice that tells me that i'm not successful/good enough.
Reach out.
Helmad, I didn't know you but I do miss you.
