>>3645715>A old childhood friend and crush pass away this last winter most likely suicide(which is what it looks like cause of his last social media post). It hurts me so much cause our relationship got really really really messy and a ton of stuff happened and I always wanted to say I was sorry but could never. Then just out of the blue one of my friends calls me to tell me he passed away and to come to his remembrance and I didn’t go.Your story really hit close to home, I lost my mother recently to suicide and the only things I can remember are all the times I was self absorbed in my own mind or life, all the arguments we had, the times we spent angry. The past few years, we had rarely spent time together until in Jan, watching a TV show because I promised we would.
This entire time, I have been wondering, day after day why I did not do more to help her or notice her issues, we fought quite a bit recently due to typical struggles although, I wish I could go back and tell her how much she meant to me or how much I loved her. I know I treated her terribly or else she would not have gone that route, I cannot say that we did not get to reconcile, we did the day before and it was business as usual. Feelings of intense guilt, I cried a lot for the first few days but since, now I feel nothing anymore everytime I hear her favorite music or foods, photos, it is hard not to blame myself which I find is reasonable.
I feel still, weeks later she would walk into the house and we could reconcile for good and life will go on as usual, the worst part is most days I am drunk to not feel as bad anymore, especially everything going on feels as though being boxed in.
It is very hard, to get over it anon, don't blame yourself for not going those are very very difficult to visit especially when it is related to that topic. How are you handling it thus far, it feels odd, knowing that person is no longer here on earth, waking up and calling and they are deceased.
