If you don't like feelposts, please, just check the pic and move along, nothing interesting here.
>>4002073I fucking tried.
After I broke up with gf half decade ago, I completely lost motivation to do anything. So I picked up a few things I used to like and created a daily routine; exercise at the morning before my job, walk home from work as often as I could (~5km, usually about 3 times per week), learn a language, do some creative hobby in remaining time. Meet some people with similar interests occasionally. Organize certain events for kids every month (although I'm introvert and I have to rely on co-workers for emotional support for the kids). Learn to cook.
My progress was extremely slow, but step-by-step, I really tried to accept myself, learn to be happy with my life.
I still had hard time to socialize and I still didn't have trust to start another relationship, but it felt like going somewhere.
Then covid hit. My boss sent me to home office from last year's autumn to this year's summer. Some of a few friends of mine advised to create a small isolated group (to protect against covid while keep socializing) and then proceeded to create such group excluding me. All that time, I was living alone, not seeing anyone (except food delivery workers). I kept in my routine whole time, including daily walks and first few months, I was ok. Then I found out it's hard to talk. Then I suddenly started feeling angry without any logical reason. I found out I'm completely unneeded. And before I realized it, I started to hate myself again.
I don't know what I did wrong. But I hate myself now. I beat myself, slapping face every time I fail at something - usually, I can't stop until I hit myself so hard that I stop hearing or seeing for a moment. I found out that hitting myself with USB cable is even more painful. Since June, I constantly think about suicide, I cleaned my things and I'm pretty much ready to end it at any time. All the progress - reverted.
