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what clit pump to buy?

No.1975838 View ViewReplyOriginalReport
whose the faggot that told me to buy this thing?
FUCK YOU
this is the worst pump ive ever used thanks for making me waste my money
it doesnt even seal onto the valve at all so the only way id be able to use it is if i had another pair of hands to hold it onto the valve while i pump it
on my own i cant get any air into the tyre at all it all just leaks out
also frame fit is a meme it doesnt fit any of my bikes because theres brake cables and bottle cage bolts in the way idk what kind of bike it would even fit on
its way too long to fit in my frame bag or to strap to the side of my frame
its rattly and loud so if i could find a way to attach it or carry it on my bike the noise would probably drive me mad
can someone tell me what pump to buy that isnt absolute garbage or some vintage meme?
must be
>portable
>have a pressure gauge
>have the leverage to get a tyre up to full pressure (no fucking mini pumps that can barely get 30psi)
>schrader and presta compatible
>actually have a way of sealing onto the valve so its at all functional as a pump