>>46238634>it served as the logos to Toby’s pathos, the chocolate to his peanut butter.Legitimate +1 for having the guts to write this line.
>Toby had never dueled against another trainer beforeTwo years of grinding on wild encounters and never made eye contact? Get this kid speedrunning, he doesn't need to RNG manip to dodge the spinners.
>To say that Toby was in for a difficult time would be an understatement, the entire journey would not only be uphill, but perhaps vertically so. Narrator keeps telling us that we need to get excited with anticipation. It's like when a movie includes the line "this is going to be good" said by a background character with no relevance to the film just so they can clip that line, put it in the trailer, and try to subliminally seed the target of the ad with a prejudicial thought that the film is going to be good.
>He had forgotten all about it.HOW?
>61 Days before ... Approximately two months before the competitionLet me check the math. Yep.
>the first boat of trainers arrivedAnd wondered why they didn't come the way that Toby did to shave seven days off of their trip.
>[Character parade]You're trying to use unique and identifying visuals to establish character—that's fine—but it's a mess because these scenes have nothing to do with Toby, the star of your show. Toby needs to spend these pre-competition weeks around town, preparing, and meeting these people along the way so Reader associates these characters with plot interactions, not merely symbolic cliches.
>Scrolls till we run out of these.>Hits the bottom of the document without ever returning to Toby.We've lost our 12 y/o protagonist somewhere in the Miscellaneous Character department store. Block the exits and find out what kind of shoes he was wearing.
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This text is symptomatic of lacking focus and greed to throw everything in. It's changing octaves erratically when Beethoven would use five notes at four durations and be applauded forever.
