>>55683556Furthermore... maybe it's just me, but I felt like he was jumping to conclusions with his belief that the book "wants" him to fill it out. It does make some sense, especially by the end of the story, but I think he should've taken a bit more time to decide this. At the start, it may have sounded better if he thought about how this book connects to his zoologist career path, so he decides to fill out the book simply because it appeals to him, rather than immediately assuming there's some higher purpose involved. Also, it would've been nice to see more examples of the book scanning Pokemon earlier in the story (such as analyzing some random birds flying overhead), just to get more of a demonstration about how it works instead of the single instance of Mustel scanning himself.
I also thought there were quite a few places where dialogue was too long-winded, like the Seviper's intro speech. You could try breaking it up with snippets of narration, or interjections from the other character(s). Additionally, some dialogue felt kinda stilted, like when Mustel first explains why he can’t give up the book. And the hissing sss sounds, like the other anon mentioned earlier, do get kinda annoying. I'd suggest reducing their frequency.
Lastly, there are various typos and wrong words scattered around (like saying danging instead of dangling or belied instead of defied), and many parts where the tense shifts between past and present randomly. I noticed some repetition too, like saying adorned twice on a row.
...Okay, that was another long review, and it took me a while to write. Hopefully all the feedback makes sense. There's a lot of criticism here, but don't worry. I think you do have skill as a writer, despite the kinks that need ironing out. And I'm looking forward to seeing what will happen with your new characters. Like I said, the concept of the book and the zoologist is cool.
I hope this was helpful. Good luck with your future writing.
(2/2)