I've finally read Fern-anon's stories.
>https://rentry.org/b2f4t>https://rentry.org/n5wxd>https://rentry.org/uqfk8Nice job being descriptive and using imagery. Fern seems likeable, and the interactions between him and Ciel are nice and cute. They make a good pair. I'm also curious to learn more about Ciel's backstory.
However, I feel like Fern is oddly... nonchalant? His reactions often seem too subdued, and he doesn't worry enough about the situations he's in. That was bugging me during the first part in particular. Logically, he should react with more fear or concern after becoming a Pokemon. But here, after a bit of confusion, he just starts prancing around and basking in the beauty of nature. There are even times when he outright ignores his problems, like when he
steps on the warp tile and briefly starts reminiscing about his human life instead of worrying about being alone and lost in a creepy forest. Also, there are times when you *tell* us he's scared, but you don't actually *show* his fear through his behavior and actions.
If making him so chill was intentional, then I think it should be made more obvious, such as by having Ciel comment on how unexpectedly relaxed Fern is, and/or having Fern explain his mindset and why he's so calm.
I also think your writing is somewhat clunky, with comma splices and incomplete sentences, occasional purple prose, and awkward word choices and phrasing like:
>Once this trip of ours is settled>floating in the warm spring water set my outburst at ease>The road to Capim is dangerous as of recent>I was nigh blind to even making the next stepThese grammar issues could probably be cleared up with more proofreading, or studying about writing, or reading books to see how other authors write.
...This review sounds more negative than I wanted it to, but I hope you find it useful. And don't give up. I still enjoyed reading your stories, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of Ciel and Fern.
