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Just have it all, my greatest shame is the most mundane shit ever
I'm in my first year of uni, have made literally one friend since the start of the year who I don't even hang around that often. My resolution this year is that if I don't get my shit together by the end of it, I am kill.
There's so many people around, but I'm too terrified to try and get to know anybody. It doesn't help that I'm pretty awkward. Depresses the shit out of me to know how many opportunities I'm missing every day. These four years are the last I get to spend in a setting where socializing is still "accessible" and it's "easy to make friends," but I'm going to waste it all. Not even try.
I've always struggled with social anxiety, but things were easier when I was littler since I somehow had a great group of friends. Since then we've all drifted apart and now I feel lonely as fuck.
Seeing my roommate and his girl cuddle in bed as I distract myself with stupid Pokemon doodles makes me wanna die. I'm happy for them, but feels fucking shit knowing that I'm still miles away from even holding hands with some cute girl.
Being reminded of my virginity and feeling like less of a person because of it leaves me hopeless. Not only am I left out of that cool kids club, I'm left out of everything else because I can't even summon the courage to join in. It makes me ashamed and frustrated.
Whenever the feeling comes, it makes me feel better knowing that this year may be the last. Makes me feel like I'm doing something right.
It's a pretty unfortunate line of thought considering that I have my health and sanity, am not broke and seemingly have career prospects. But what does any of it fucking matter if I'm going to be spending the rest of my life alone, with no actual friends, never demonstrating any authenticity, struggling with the same shit as always?
tl;dr: i'm a little bitch