>>53956827I read through it again and liked your improvements. That said, I kept a running list of things I found that you could fix, most of which are very minor:
>but not long after arriving on Melemele island*Island
>They called it The Island Challenge*the Island Challenge
>Luckily the Sinnoh contests had earned plenty of money*had earned her plenty of money
>and the ritzy hotel in Heahea city had plenty of vacancies*Heahea City, like in the first sentence of the same paragraph
>more or less human sized creatures*human-sized
>ILL EQUIPPED*ILL-EQUIPPED
>Her head spun and her stomach lurched and she stared up at the canopy of her enormous bedPut a comma after "lurched" and/or replace the first "and" with a comma.
>and felt an alarmingly sensation from her waist*alarming
>Somehow she could feel her own hand, the sensation coming from the protrusion itself.She could feel what in her own hand? This sentence seems strange to my eyes.
>I'm afraid so, madam.*Madam, as you did earlier.
>with naked boys being being very limitedRemove extra "being"
>It had shank down to flaccidity by this point*shrunk
>and a white top didn't quite cover*and a white top that didn't quite cover
>I'm on the island challenge*Island Challenge, for consistency with above
>She's champion of the pokémon League*Pokémon League; even if you consistently lowercase "pokémon", you'd capitalize an organization name. You wouldn't call it the "national football League," after all.
>get the Z crystal from Lana*Z-crystal
>I've only even ridden a Lapras before*ever
>Can I just have the Z crystal*Z-crystal
>Dawn's cock twitch again*twitched
>what she had been dreaming out*about
>She could ask the front desk to try and get a message to he*her
