>>34500523>>34507937>>34508005Last part.
I don't really like Chryse's way of speaking. I found it to be confusing, and I'm still not sure exactly what she was doing. Was she using telepathic powers to implant thoughts in other people's heads? If so, that's very unique, but also overly complicated and hard to follow, if you ask me. She refers to herself in third person and other people in first person, and there's no clear sign given that she's using telepathy. It's also hard to discern when a character is thinking normally and when their thoughts are being manipulated by Chryse. It may be best to have her communicate normally, because as it is now, I think it's a bit obtuse, and doesn't need to be that way.
I also have mixed feelings about how the end focuses on her. She mostly just felt like an obstacle for the protagonists up to that point, so seeing her gain this sudden depth and backstory, and grow as a character, was sort of surprising. Before the end, I never got the sense that she was very troubled or sad, so maybe you should hint at that earlier, somehow.
Finally, some typos.
>splinters? fell around himRemove question mark
>‘Chryse would not be receptive,’ he started writing,>She wanted to know what happened to them.’ Brand paused before continuing,Speech tags are italicized but shouldn't be
>Sierra blinked “You led them?”Needs punctuation
>Flying true, he decided, would resulted in a near miss Should be "would have resulted"
>Sierra gave him a sidelong glance a she turned back to the stairsShould be "as she turned back"
>This Is one of their toolsShould be "is"
[3/3]
Done. That took several hours. But I hope it's coherent, and I hope you find it helpful. Despite my criticisms, I think you did a good job on this story as a whole. Good luck with whatever you're writing next.
Oh, and one more thing: having read this, I now feel inclined to read WIAM, if only so I have more context. Maybe I'll check it out soon. We'll see.
