>>53888515Absolutely fantastic story! I liked the way the plot developed, and it had good dialogue, conflict, and drama. Plenty of great scenes overall, like
Toge’s thoughts and daydreams about Team Cozy (especially the drooling parts kek), the rainstorm and flood, Toge’s pep talk, Chespin being frozen (perfect depiction of his terror), the emotional “death” scene, and the incredibly adorable and wholesome ending. It was nice to see some more of Toge and Dewott’s relationship too. It reminds me a lot of Booker and Sneasel, in many ways. Speaking of which, Booker and Sneasel were handled well too—always a joy to see them appear in other people’s stories.
The big fight scene was pretty good too. Looks like you put effort into making it interesting. But one little issue I noticed was that
the water is apparently only a couple inches deep since everyone can stand in it, and yet Dewott is able to dive and swim in it. Not sure if that’s a mistake or I’m just misreading it somehow, but I guess I can offer the advice to keep track of the environment and make sure everything makes sense when you're writing a scene.
I also thought the shift from first-person to third in chapter 4, and suddenly back to first-person after ~800 words, was sort of abrupt. It’s not really common practice to switch perspectives partway through a story. It might be smoother if you add a line where
we see Toge hide, and then he listens to the conversation or peeks around from behind the cover in order to watch what’s going on. That way, you can still write about what the other characters are doing, while still keeping it from Toge’s perspective, since he’s observing the scene. Then again, the way you did it here sort of makes it a twist/surprise that Toge is suddenly gone, so I guess that has some value too.(1/2)
