>>54276984I saw people saying this chapter was great, so I decided to read it last night. I enjoyed it! Good job describing the scents. I thought the dialogue and flow of conversation felt natural. There was also good comedy, and it was nice to see lots of guild members talking. I liked how we got backstory for Bill, too.
As for criticism: you sometimes use punctuation wrong with quotes. For example,
>You’re a porygon, right?”.and
>Don’t forget that!”,Don't put a period or comma outside the quote like this.
Speaking of quotes, I sometimes found it hard to tell who's talking, because some quotes lack an obvious speaker.
Also, there are some places where I feel like there's missing detail, or actions are skipped over. Like when
Porygon is doing "black sorcery" on the sauce. That phrase is very funny, true, but it doesn't really explain what's happening. Or when Gill is eating:
>Gill on the other hand, had long since abandoned the fool’s errand.>“Gill,” an appalled Bill mutters.>“Whuh?”>A couple of noodles hang from the silver-maned growlithe’s messy muzzle.I feel like we're missing a sentence where we see him bury his face in the pasta, or lift his face out of the pasta. I can guess what's supposed to be happening, but it may be better if actions were explained in more detail.
Another issue is that you sometimes avoid using simple names and pronouns for characters, and instead use descriptions for them, like called Phanpy "the miniature elephant" or Kaiji "the lavender feline". Some people call this "burly detective syndrome", but it goes by other names too. It can make your writing clunky and a bit harder to read, since readers must take the extra step to think "wait, who's the lavender feline... right, Kaiji". So it's usually best to just say he/she or the character's name to keep things simple.
Despite the critiques, though, I really liked this chapter. Good work overall!
