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I want someone to beat the shit out of me, and I really mean it. I hate everything about myself, I hate my body, my personality, my life, my everything, I deserve nothing but pain. Sometimes I'll grab blunt objects and hit myself in the arms and thighs, or do it with my bare hands or cellphone if I don't have anything bigger nearby.
I was raised by an extreme helicopter mother who never let me experience absolutely anything in life, I'm a pampered piece of shit, I deserve pain. Back in high school I've always tried to be nice to everyone but after being harassed, abused and threatened no one believed me, they believed my aggressor instead and everyone left me, every friend I've had since I was 5 just left me without even asking me for my side of the story, well if I'm such a bad person and you all believe it then just punish me already, punish me for whatever I supposedly did, punish me for existing and annoying everyone I ever interact with. Just beat the shit out of me already, I deserve it, everyone believes that so why can't it happen already. It's already been 11 years and I keep dreaming about it, just two days ago I dreamed I curled into a ball on a corner and yelled at my aggressor to just kick me, to pour on me all the hate everyone feels towards me for just existing. I never do anything, I just mind my own business and stay in my place and yet everyone always looks at me with disgust, I'm always the bad guy, I don't know why you hate me so much but if you do just punish me already, beat the shit out of me, make me feel pain, leave me comatose, I don't care, I deserve pain, I deserve paim, I deserve pain I deserve to die I want to die I want to die I want to stop I don't understand why this keeps happening just hit me already I'm sorry I'm sorry I never had a chance why did it have to be me, just kill me already