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I feel you anon like you have no idea. I've been suicidal ever since I was an early teen. I've always had this childlike idea of my spirit being incarnated in either Lake Verity or Lake Valor and living forever in the world of Pokémon. I still remember writing a note once, the final words being "please let me rest in lake Valor." Now it's somewhere stashed away in my office. Even now, that I'm all grown up and moving on with my life, I'll think to myself "Do it, you'll be a Drifloon in your next life" and it feels like a joke, but a part of me can't help but.. hope, in a sense.