>>31888244I'll be blunt. It's pretty shit.
Everyone except Hau is out of character, conversations are rushed and unrealistic. Show more interaction between characters rather than just saying "they talked". It might take extra time, but quality should more important than getting a chapter out early.
Lillie's entire character development has been discarded and her personality is changed to just that she loves Sun. The last you see her, she was always smiling and had absolute faith in Sun, but in your fanfic she has no confidence in herself and is always either just embarrassed or thinking about how she wants to fuck Sun. She hasn't even asked about Nebby yet. Like, what the fuck.
A few things especially pissed me off. For one, Mallow's character. You don't need to make someone an asshole out of nowhere just to have some sort of relationship struggle to overcome. There are many other ways to go about it. Even a simple misunderstanding shit, which I hate, is better than how you went about it. Then a few things that sound important but are completely forgotten, like Nebby and Gladion, for example. Lillie will at least want to meet them. Even if you don't want to show it, a single line saying they met is enough. There are also a million missed opportunities. Things you could've added, but just didn't. There was so much that you could've done with the of them being home alone, sharing a bedroom setting, but almost nothing happened. This is another thing that bothered me. Nothing happens most of the time. They encounter something or say something to each other, but it ultimately leads to nothing. They're the same as ever, acting like it never happened.
Yes, I get it. It's just a fanfiction. It doesn't have to have the best quality possible. Take this post however you will. Ignore it as just some autist sperging out, or take the criticism to try and improve.
It's still not the worst I've seen though. There's that, at least.