>>21290212Your writing is quite direct, which is handy for outlining scenes/events, but I would recommend not writing in that way during the actual scenes since some may find it a bit difficult to err...well, y'know.
Some of your periods are commas, so that's a thing too. A couple of other grammar nickpicks are there, but I'm too tired to point them out
The character's dialogue/interaction with each other seem robotic to me, almost as if someone can slap on Microsoft Sam's voice to them and it would fit perfectly. Basically, it doesn't feel like there's much emotion to it (nor between the two characters), not even during the final scene.
Otherwise, it could use some more polishing/tuning/whatever
