>>46502164First Pokémon I really got attached to; didn't care too much about any particular 'mon before it.
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I suffer from 3 different anxiety disorders, agoraphobia, depression, PTSD, & BPD. My life was rife with trauma & abuse; but my life now is pretty good ever since I met my spouse. Yet some days are still really rough as I've only recently finally processed some more recent trauma & it fucks with me; there's still days where I don't want to exist, but I also feel guilty for feeling this way because there's nothing in my current life to be so fucked up about--I've a wonderful spouse, a beautiful home, & 4 wonderful cats who I treat as my kids. I've been on various medications over the years & they've only made me worse, so meds aren't an option for me. I know all my mental illness I've had since childhood (as early as 5 years old) aren't just magically going to disappear overnight, but I still hate feeling this way. Sometimes I wish I could get a goddamn lobotomy so I wouldn't have to feel this way. Every single day is a constant argument with myself. Some days I break down to my spouse about it, other days I just bottle it up & pretend I'm okay so I don't worry my spouse. I don't know if I will ever truly be okay & that itself fucks with me.