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no, i've made up my mind. i mean it. i'm dead serious. i need her. even the tamest sense. i'm not gonna kill myself yet or anything like that. not until she dies, or worse, graduates. but i simply feel incomplete without her stream to keep me going. yes, i could just "go outside". i could find a healthier coping mechanism. i could see someone. i could take my life back into my own hands. but there's nothing that makes me feel more complete than seeing her retarded smile and hearing her voice. i can't even explain it. it's euphoric. it's unlike anything else. i don't know what's wrong with me. i know it's retarded. i don't even know anymore.
