>>21472580This is better Nekoronii. I can tell you proofread, but you did miss a few bits of grammar here and there, misspelled words, but nothing that big. I'll be upfront and say while I like the story so far, I feel like the pacing in this chapter is very, very fast. IRyS and the others so acclimated together so quickly doesn't feel natural. I see this often, writers have a relationship in mind, and immediately put it onto the paper. This however, is a little detrimental because your readers don't know what you're thinking. Show us or tell us first. Of course "irl" we know how they interact, but they shouldn't interact like that in your story, at this point. Now certainly, the two girls could also just be the most welcoming people in the universe, but with your allusion to who the villain was in the first chapter, there's not much evidence to support this.
The two girls in the apartment can already be established at a certain level of friendliness with each other, that's ok. It's just a bit off, in my opinion, as to why they get so along with IRyS. I would either go back and flesh the relationships out more, or explain why they're like this in the next chapter.
Good job, sorry for the wall of text. Still proud of you.