>>51708461I see you added a little more paint to how characters converse with one another, so that was nice to see. The town itself was given a little more flavor, but I think you can still do more in that regard. I kinda feel like the speed of everything is set higher than the tone wants it to be. Like, I don't know if it makes a lot of sense, but the characters operate like they're in a rising action, but we're already in the thick of the full climax in the conflict. Formatting wise, I think you can easily combine some lines that are part of the same action, or rather a result of a phrase. For example:
“Absolutely.”
Mio closed her eyes, falling unconscious.
Could be something like: "Absolutely." You assure Mio, who closes her eyes and falls into unconsciousness. The way it is now, kinda reads like a play script. A battle of wits was nice way to show off some of Botan's experience. You also had me in the first half, not gonna lie,
I thought Finana was going to be a siren of sorts for the town. I admit I'm a little disappointed that it was just some kinda bratty shadow demon, but it still played out alright. I just think the feesh has good fantasy potential. I also think we are fast approaching on having too little info on the Anon and how he feels about almost anything. The anon can be used to show how (you); a not so spectacular human bystander would feel about seeing these situations play out. I also wanted to say I think Botan talks in a way that sounds a little too stiff for her, but after the info presented in the chapter, it kinda tracks. Overall, you got some interesting ideas for magic and stuff, but maybe let yourself cook, no pun intended, for a little longer. Fantasy stories really desire that flowery presentation to get you into things that aren't possible in our world. Keep it up and let's see where this story of yours goes.
