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I physically cannot masturbate to Kronii without imagining myself as Ryan Gosling. I'm too ugly, too fat, too unworthy-but Ryan Gosling is perfect. He is the perfect idealization of a human male, a real human being. I know how much Kronii loves Ryan Gosling, and whenever I imagine myself as him, I feel worthy of giving myself to her. I wish so, so badly that I was Ryan Gosling, just so I can be qualified to fuck Kronii. I've even been practicing photoshop just so I can edit in pictures of Ryan in Kronii porn so I can masturbate to it. Kronii x (You) is nice to read sometimes, but I need to edit the fics of (You) to Gosling before I can enjoy it fully. On every level except physical, I'm just like Gosling in Blade Runner, and so many of my fantasies include him finally finding happiness by being together with his JOI-Kronii. It's so, so difficult. Why am I like this? Why can't I just insert myself? Why do I have to imagine myself as someone else, just to feel enough to be with the woman I love? Why? Why does Gabe always use Ryan Gosling photos as his image? Why does anyone else? Ryan Gosling is me, my identity, mine alone, and it's the only part of my identity that is enough for Kronii.
Existing hurts so much. I just want to love her as myself, but I can't. I can't...
