Aug 27 (Reuters) - Today marks the twenty-third day since the disappearance of that one Canadian moose girl. Thousands of would-be friends, lovers, and parasocialites world-wide mourn as the last remaining search parties return empty-handed from their deep Yukon expeditions and rumors begin to abound.
We spoke to Axel Schwan, President of Tim Hortons in Canada, US, and Latin America about allegations raised during this crisis -- some pundits are claiming that Schwan is the true identity of the now-absent Karibu. When pressed, Schwan declined our interview, commenting only "You all stink. I hate it here".
If you have any information regarding the disappearance of Haruka Karibu, please contact your nearest RCMP station for immediate administration of a class B amnestic.
https://files.catbox.moe/ck4944.mp4 