>>51399609Sorry I did not reply earlier, had a busy few days away from home.
Thanks a lot for writing a response!
Yeah, as I said, since I am looking at the text through my own lens I would be making erroneous assumptions. Its nice to see such attention to detail as you taking into account species psychology in writing.
I do relate with the lexicon issue, and I too often find myself repeating words. I have noted that as simple things as simply omitting the word works sometimes, if you can re-format the rest of the sentence to flow well. I.e., one wouldn't go "the faint sensation of the needle", but "the faint prick of the needle". One could even remove the mention of the needle altogether if the existence of the needle is established in a previous part, since the descriptor "prick" is already related to the idea of needles and sharpness; Mentioning a prick when the existence of a needle doing an action has been established will automatically remind the reader of a needle.
the above example does not relate to your text though, since in your text the sensation of the needle was not exactly a prick, as far as I can tell.
Also, one could establish an association with a sensation and a descriptor, and then simply use the descriptor to imply the existence of the sensation as well. I suppose one could chain these together and make a sensation description chain, where the new sensation is always established in the previous part. I would love to write an example but I do not want to come up with a scene rn, and it is purely theoretical anyways, I dont think I've used something like that myself that often if at all.
Descriptors beginning with "as if" are also something that one should think about.
I use it a bit too much, i think. In a lot of cases, one can completely cut that portion off, and sometimes they should since this word structure distances the reader from the image you are trying to paint. You can compare this with these two sentences.
>It was as if tendrils of cold fire were growing through his veins, crystallizing into invisible shards of glass shredding his insides.>Tendrils of cold fire grew through his veins and crystallized into invisible shards of glass that shred his insides.It might be just me, but the bottom one is much more evocative as a descriptor.
I would personally be tempted to go pretty crazy with that, and write something along the lines of "Jagged shards of cold fire flowed into him through the injection site. With each heartbeat the blazing cold splinters were pushed (further into his limbs and) deeper into his flesh, until the fire had saturated his entire body."This descriptor is probably absolutely horrible to use regarding flow, and it isn't as precise as the ones above, but I really like the picture it paints. Although, you can clearly see in it the problem I have with overloading descriptions.>Theme park rideBased taking inspiration from irl. I have done so myself as well at times.
Is ichorite some real thing? I have never heard of it before myself.
>AI probing MC's mindI did pick up on that. It gave the AI a slight hostile/creepy vibe, which works pretty well.
Dont take the issues too seriously, these are just things i have decided to nitpick on. I would love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts on this and whether it works at all for you, its not like the style i like is the only valid one.
Ill try to read more of your stuff as I get the motivation to read and write. Thanks again for responding!