>>57412579>>57412836i liked the story and reading about shiori~n getting scared is a nice change of pace. if i could make a few suggestions, it does feel a little monotone and stilted when you read it; i'd suggest using more conjunctions (such as if, and, but, etc.) to combine some of the sentences and cut down on the usage of "You".
so instead of having something like "You go to the last fortress of defense, your bedroom. You get Shiori in safe and pull extra blankets out on you both. You know you are going to have nightmares tonight from the game."
you end up with "You go to the bedroom with Shiori, your last fortress of defense and pull extra blankets out on you both; you're sure you're going to have nightmares tonight from the game." or "You both scream but nervously laugh afterwards at your shared reactions."
and as
>>57413172 said, spacing out the paragraphs helps turn the chunk of text from one blob into several more manageable and easy-to-follow blocks
all-in-all though, i definitely enjoyed the read and hope to see more from you anon
