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>Sorry if this review comes off as harder than others, but those are my takeaways.
Not at all, that was perfect.
>This could use another pass or two at proofreading.
I have no idea what to do other than get a bot or get someone else to eye it. I actually do it exactly like that. Each line break, before I start the next plot, I go back and edit it then do a larger edit once the chapter is finish both to polish it and to get any spelling or grammar errors I missed. Not sure what it is but it is a glaring flaw I can't seem to remedy.
>On the topic of Mio, the manner of speech you give her seems a bit too rigid.
Yeah and I think the reason for that is because she was solo. When Mio and Watame are together, or when characters are just together in general, it's easy to give them more personality. I say solo of course because the morgue keeper is obviously not going to be a big fixture of this plot. Nonetheless, I'll try to fix that up a bit and give them all a bit more color whenever they don't have anyone to bounce off. I'll also get more creative with the animal appendages. I'm just so used to them not really being a feature in other stories that I forget that in this story it's actually important.
>one second Towa has her throat sliced open, basically dead on the ground and spurting blood, and the next she's able to talk. I know living through these injuries is getting normal for Spears, but there wasn't a mention of anything Towa did to heal the damage.
That'll be elaborated on in future. Towa is going to have do a lot of crazy stuff that's related to her gift. Not to make it sound like a cop out though because the discrepancies are going to be part of something in the future. I will though try to make Towa's abilities a bit more elaborated on so as not to fall into the trap of "she can do whatever the plot needs her to do"
>I think letting yourself build this side of the story up more will help the bigger scenes you have planned for it come out better.
I hope it didn't come off that way. I think I may have just put the action up a little to intense. There's going to be a plotline regarding Aloe and Towa in the future and this was sort of just the prologue to that struggle. The big event for these two is yet to come.
Thank you for the review. It didn't come off as too harsh, that was informative as usual.