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After a nap ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶ ̶q̶u̶i̶c̶k̶ ̶r̶e̶f̶r̶e̶s̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶a̶l̶c̶h̶e̶m̶y̶ I have made the betteljuice.
The appearance is horrifying. The cream cheese refused to incorporate wholy so the resulting mixture has white flecks floating within. During its creation the smell was overpowering, but after having made it I have to bring it to my nose to get a whiff (I go noseblind very quickly).
The texture in my mouth is predictably unnerving. The moment a spoonful hit my tongue, with nothing to obstruct it, the cream cheese settled on my tongue and made me wretch. The taste is... fine? I think the red wine/coconut milk/vanilla mixture can work but the cream cheese ruins it. Maybe the problem was I absolutely refused to use my blender for this first go (the strawberries as a result are simply put on top of a spoonful of the vile concoction), so a faster and better method of combining these disparate ingredients may turn out more favorably.
I know there was another anon who was planning to make betteljuice on the weekend. I figure he will do a better job of it altogether, but if that man is here I would suggest maybe trying to make a version that cuts the cream cheese in favor of heavy cream. This can be salvaged.