>>43063048>I can go further into detail if you'd like and offer suggestionsI wouldn't mind it, but not sure I would go back to change or rework the scene. I think you mentioned before that anal toys don't really fit your fancy, but of all the scenes I wanted to include that was the one I was dying to write the most, even though once I got there, I had trouble actually writing at length about it.
I think it's the Achilles heel of 2nd person perspective in smut when (you) are just observing the actions of two other characters and not doing much. You can't really enter the mind of the two girls to describe feelings and sensations in detail, so this kind of scene falls flat...
The second point I do agree with. A good chunk of what I wrote extra was to lengthen the final orgasm and make it more impactful and hopefully I achieved that (from the post date you posted basically the night I was correcting stuff so if you didn't refresh the page, it's the old text). I get it though, splitting up definitely means bellies only end up half full, but that would go against the "sharing" spirit of the story. But I did try my best to make it as erotic as I could the second time around. Re-reading it, it was almost embarrassing how little there was of it. Then again I was rushing to go eat some turkey when I posted, so...
In any case the Suisei story isn't going to have toys or anything, just good old comet butt drilling, so it might end up scratching the itch a little better.
>>43062561Goddamn it, me too!