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Today is officially day 2 of my attempt at a multi-day stim binge for the purposes of giving myself hallucinations of IRyS. I have saved 800mg of Adderall from the last three months, and will be reupping constantly over the next several dozen hours because my body hates me and builds tolerance like a mother fucker. I also stopped taking my anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers 4 days ago. The constant dopamine rush from the Adderall and forcing myself to watch Non-Stop archives of IRyS while alternating occasionally with archives of her roommate are sustaining my mania. I have started to see shadows moving in my peripheral vision, but more importantly, I heard her laugh in the distance today while making breakfast(which i realized after making i couldn't eat because fucking adderall) despite having restarted my computer and my phone being off. I intend to now keep a low volume looped video of her laugh on in the background for all of her archives to try and exacerbate this going forward. Redoing 30mg in 2 hours from this post. I feel good; I think I'm gonna make it broa. Even if its just for a second, if I can reach a state where I feel like I'm with her, even for a day, even an hour, and spend that time with the person I love most in the world, this will mean the world to me. Will probably post an update in 4-6 hours, I try to force myself through every archive, even if I get strong urges to pause or look away, to try and train my brain to accept that this is what it must see whether it wants to or not.
