>>70859830This could use another pass at proof reading. At the end of the first scene Lui asks how the -two-, Suisei and one other person, got lost, but she had info already that four girls were in her party. The number is also off when Noel is handing out the extra side piece, unless she meant it as a pre-established rule that their groups would be split in a certain way in the event of getting lost. For interactions, it feels like people who aren't or shouldn't be familiar with one another (Lui -> Suisei), are way too casual. The dynamic between the traveling group is also a little strange since I'm assuming they are longer time friends, so some of the questions they ask are rather strange. They would have surely seen Fubuki's scarf before if they spent any time prior in cold weather. Stuff about Noel's experience and such would also have been known, also hence why they might agree to follow her into the mountains. Also Noel in general strikes me as off, since if she's a responsible camper, she would never give a gun to someone not trained to shoot unless it was absolutely necessary, and would definitely steer her group back at the first sign of poor weather, that's like hiking 101.
I saw in your other post that you wanted to get into the meat of the story, but this isn't exactly hooking me since you started with an end result, which is a little heavy handed, and then going to very absolute start, where the only thing I have to assume about this trek is that the weather fucked them over. I think a better start to a horror-centered story, is to give any spooky background on the area, myths, past stories, etc. Make it how Suisei or another member is mulling the idea over and deciding if they really want to go through it despite the rumors. Or have them chalk it all up to superstition. I'm not really sure where the tension is meant to be in this chapter either. I'm kinda ripped from the conflict and mystery at the start to go through a pretty peaceful trek up the trails. Should I be afraid of the moose? Is it an omen? Well he's kinda gone, so that's that. I'm not really lulled into a false sense of security either since I already know how poorly this ends.
Also referring to your other post, there is methods to cut to the chase and give the story the proper background and meat. On one hand, if you are just writing to get the idea into fruition and it makes more sense in your head, that's your choice, but readers won't have the same context as you do.
