>>35026783>>35026837>>35026931It is afternoon in a comfy, air-conditioned LGS. The locals sip drinks, browse the products, and play miniatures.
The control ''''player'''' arrives. Instantly the atmosphere changes as every person in the shop wrinkles their nose at his stench, their mouths agape as they gaze in utter digust at his 900lbs 400% body fat giga-obese frame, jiggling like a mass of writhing flesh with every stench.
The control '''''''player'''''''' sits at the gaming table, the chair groaning and creaking under his weight. He slams his cheeto-covered deck on the table, sleeved with plastic ponies flashing Blue mana symbols. "Who," he asks with a nasal voice, spittle flying, his ten chins wriggling, "can defeat my control deck, the highest IQ deck of them all? Will no one challenge me? I have HEALING and WARDS, and even a COUNTERSPELL, the highest of IQ cards."
He then takes a deep drag of his oxygen tank as his respiratory system almost fails after this massive exertion. The rest of the shop watches on in disgusted awe, until a reply issues forth from the entrance of the shop.
"I will be your opponent, control cuck."
The ground quakes as the Aggro BVLL walks in, each of his steps rocking the shop with his 400lb 1% bodyfat Mr. Olympia bodybuilder frame.
The Aggro BVLL approaches the table, taking off his flowing red jacket to reveal his highly defined arms. All women in a 1km radius fall unconscious as every nerve ending in their vaginas fires at the same time. He takes out his deck, tastefully sleeved with anime foxgirls dressed in red kimonos with their giant tits hanging out.
"Tell me, control cuck," the Aggro BVLL points an accusing finger at the quivering mass of mutation before him, "if control is so high IQ, how come every card game puzzle centers around finding LETHAL?"
The control '''''player'''' grips his chest and collapses on the table, his over-stressed heart exploding immediately as his addled mind cannot find a retort to such a brilliant question. He dies instantly in a puddle of his own filth.
Everyone in the shop stands up and claps. A naked supermodel with giant breasts puts a gold medal around the Aggro BVLL's muscular neck then drops to her knees. A guy takes out a gun and pumps some round into the control cuck's corpse, just to make sure he's dead. Mark Rosewater is executed, Wizards of the Coast is acquired by somebody who gives a damn, and as celebration a special edition printing of Lightning Bolt is issued to every aggro player.