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I can't do this anymore I can't keep trying to watch other Holos only to feel worse and worse throughout their streams as I'm reminded of her. I can't keep choking up everytime I hear a rendition of any of the big unity anthems that they all perform during the big concerts because it reminds me that she isn't really part of that unity anymore. I want the feelings I used to feel about all this to return.
But I don't want to let her go either. Not after so long and after so many good memories. She's been such a bright light in my life for how many years. I don't know how I could possibly throw all of that away so suddenly and try to pretend they didn't happen. She still means so much to me.
I just don't know how to go forward. Staying and enduring the absences and moving on from her entirely both seem like shitty options. I don't know what to fucking do.