>>70859830Okay i have some critiques because i think you didnt quite land this one
>Lui tells her “How did you two get lost anyway?”Its clear they were a group of four, i think you missed this mistake
>“I don’t want to talk about it.”You showed your hand way too early. Like, hilariously Early.
Setting up the last survivor early isnt a mistake, but blatantly impliying she commited cannibalism early on deflates the story by a lot. Either your subtext is wrong or there is no subtext and is just text (yeah they all died and thats bad)
>PacingI dont expect amateur fanfic writers to be master of pacing, and hell im bad at pacing. I think you just blitzed through here with no rhyme or reason. You cant set up the aftermath, the beggining and the conflict all at once...and then not finish it. The fic just stops.
There isnt a point to sit back and feel the characters because they arrive at the lake instantly and its already night time..there isnt a point where im intimidated or even shaken because the moose comes and goes instantly. It just goes and has no brakes, and that's not how horror works.
>Characterization and DialogueYour dialogue is usually serviceable. Here there's two issues
A) Characters are just saying things. Asking HEY FUBUKI WHY PLOT RELEVANT SCARF? without rhyme or reason is just weird. They all have winter clothes, why is a scarf the stand out thing? Couldnt you work in some organic dialogue? Lui also doesnt feel distressed, she feels automatic.
>"Phew. Thought i forgot my scarf">"Hey you take that everywhere. Is it special?">"Yeah, mom knitted it for me like....geez, three years ago? is pretty good">"Hoshi- Hoshimachi? Hoshimachi Suisei? Nevermind get in! get in!">"Okay. Im sorry if im being insistent. Are you Hoshimachi Suisei? The rangers been looking out for you all week"B)Characterization is weird. Are they all friends? Suisei is a performer but what about the others?. Even in B movies you have to stablish what the fodder is all about, so their deaths can be karmic, appropiate or impactful.
They are all novice campers except fubuki who apparently is inexplicably good at making fire? is she a seasoned camper? Is sora? Is suisei?
Also Noel.. is she a novice ranger? a local? why is she willingly giving a gun to someone she doesnt know. Its a bunch of missing details that prevent us from getting in.
