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I need Millie. I can't sugar-coat it anymore: I'm in a parasocial relationship. I can't listen to her cover of South Border's Rainbow without getting tears in my eyes. I'm unbearably alone, and yet I don't want to change my life. Like right now, I should go to sleep, but I'm still awake with some anxiety calling to me in this or that corner of my mind. Millie is so wonderful. She's a light on my life. Why can't I have what I desire? Tell me, why? Be honest. In this world, there are people who get what they want. Why can't I be one of them? Did I do something wrong? Are you going to say it's my fault? It's bad to be fixated, but why? Why are there things in this world that I'm not allowed to obtain? Am I worthless? Am I weak? I can let go of it all, but what difference does it make? Aren't you just saying I should spare myself the trouble? If I was given the capacity to suffer this much, shouldn't there be something that's worth the trouble?
I can't even die. I can't even sleep. I can't even forget. Because I don't want to escape. Because I won't submit. Because I, being blameless, would be wrong in humbling myself. Because there's no reason in this world why I shouldn't get what I want.
